Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

Billy: spits out food

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: looks at mom

Mom: Shut up

If you get you get it

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

An older retired couple — the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.