A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: “G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can’t wait to see it”
So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: “KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR f@ckING MOUTH! ” Me: “Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers”
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says “What’s wrong?” The woman says “I’ve never been hugged before.” So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says “What’s wrong, now?” The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before.” So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?!” The woman says “Well, I’ve never been f@cked before.” So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells “YOU’RE f@ckED!”
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time —————
.tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time
My girlfriend is like treasure to me
You need a shovel to find her…
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a seven year old.
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
My wife told me pass her lip stck but i gave her a glue stick now she is not talking to me
Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
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