Best Jokes

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station

I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The f@ck you doing whit that knife

One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate’ "

So little Susie came home and said “mom little johnny show me his pecker”. And her mom said WHAT?! And little Susie was like yea it reminded me of a peanut, her mom said oh because it was so small. Susie said no because it tasted salty.

What ya call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick

I go into get a prostate exam, I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

What does a stick say when it falls down- Wood you help me up

Teacher: what’s your favorite animal

Me: Desert Eagle

Teacher:why?

Me:cause it fits in my backpack

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”

NINA YOU BETTER RUN TO HELL YOUR GOING THERE ANYWAY!!! YOU DONT BE MEAN TO ALEX!!! HE IS SWEET KIND LOVING AND PROTECTIVE!!!

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter he isn’t coming to you.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

How does a train eat?

Chew chew!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Where animal does Russian milk come from?

Moscows

Why do orphans eat cerial with water? Because their daddy still hasn’t come home with the milk

Why didnt the cows eat the lemon grass.

It made sour milk.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

Commander: "Fire a warning shot" Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher" Commander: "potato, potato, just fire" Soldier: fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school Commander: “They’re trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!”

What do you call Steven Hawkins on fire

Hot wheels

What’s Black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkins in a house fire.